Stay the Course

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.

-Confucius

Do you ever feel like you just don't know who you are anymore? Your identity is completely foreign to you and you have completely lost yourself? Well, I get it. The last two years have been pretty rough. I have lost my identity. Outside of being a wife and motherhood, I don't know who I am anymore.

It's almost as if the fun has been sucked right out of me. I used to love to read and now I can't seem to sit still long enough to read a chapter, let alone a whole book. I loved going outside and being in nature, but lupus ripped that away from me. 

You see, until two years ago (2021 to be exact), I was a career woman. I lived for my work. I was happy and thriving as far as my mental state goes. All of the sudden, bam, I'm sick and can't continue working and no one can tell me what is wrong aside from I have lupus and hashimoto's. No one felt like those issues were the cause of the problems though. Fast forward to July of 2022, I finally get in with a cardiologist after seeing a Tik Tok on POTS. Sure enough, POTS was the culprit.

I started treatment immediately and after a few weeks I started feeling better. Unfortunately, my mindset did not. So, I decided to try going back to work. It was harsh on me, but it was a mentally stressful job and it was in an office setting and I had been working at home for a year prior to leaving the workforce. So, I had to leave that job and thought I was going to keep going for my disability and just call it a failed attempt to work. 

After giving it some thought for a few days, I really wanted to try one more time to work before giving up all together. So, I set my mind to finding a job where I could work from home. I applied to over 50 jobs. All in the field I want, but in a position that I don't want to be permanent. You see, I decided I wanted to get my coding certification after all. I want to do medical coding and I refused to let anything get in my way this time.

You see, after I decided this, I found out my college classes had expired, and I was going to have to retake 11 courses in order to get my certification. How in the world was I supposed to come up with the money for that when we were barely making ends meet on one income as it was?! I knew there was no way my husband was going to agree to it. It would mean more responsibility around the house for him and more responsibility over our son as well. I knew it was a big ask, but I had been so miserable and depressed and riddled with anxiety that I knew I couldn't take no for an answer. I needed this! 

I talked it out with Matt and he agreed that if I really thought this could be the answer then he would be willing to take on the extra responsibility while I studied through these courses. How blessed am I?!

In the meantime, I applied for 150ish jobs. All work from home positions except 1. I got an offer from that one. Then, a few days later, I got another call and that offer was for exactly what I was hoping for, a work from home position in the billing/coding field AND it was making $3 MORE on the hour! WHAT?!?! Can you say BLESSED?! I have made up my mind and I took the second job offer. 

You see, sometimes we travel these hard roads and struggle through these trials. They are long and hard and feel as if they will never end. Losing yourself is one of the hardest things you will ever experience. It is like watching your life go by at a snail's pace and not being able to do anything about it. It is darkness. It encompasses you and makes you go to the deepest pits of your soul.

You can't see it while you are going through it, but you are learning so much during that time about yourself. Mostly, what you don't want to do or don't like. You keep feeling like you are circling the drain and as if you will never come up for air. I am here to tell you though, that you are learning what you need to in order to stay away from what it is you don't want! The more you learn about what you don't want/like, the more you can focus on other things that you could possibly love! I thought I loved billing/coding before I had to leave the field, but learning more and more about what I didn't want out of life, just taught me that I needed to be in this field again. I had FINALLY found my niche in life. I knew exactly what I wanted, and I am not going to let anything stand in my way.

I just want you to remember that you need to stay the course because those hard days are going to bring you to some of your best days in life! I know it doesn't seem that way, but your day is coming. You just have to find a way to keep pushing through. Please keep pushing through. Someone out there loves you and they want to see you succeed and thrive in life! Your day is coming!