Sometimes as a special needs mom, I feel so alone. Others don't understand the half of what I go through. Then you have times where your child is bad or does something that is considered an unwanted/unacceptable behavior and they cannot figure out why you won't "just handle it". I can't "just handle it" any old way. It has to be handled delicately to avoid a meltdown and it also has to be handled in a manner that he understands and that is not always feasible because he doesn't quite understand things the way an average 5-year-old does. We're still on like a 2–3-year-old level when it comes to social communication.
I have tried so many different things to make things easier. None of them have worked. Do you know how much of a failure I feel like? We have tried gentle parenting. We have tried medications and therapies and bribing and learning the hard way and NONE OF THEM WORK. So, don't come for me.
I love being his mom and I wouldn't trade it for the world! Sometimes, I still can't help but question why he has to go through this. I know it can't be easy for him; Lord knows it sure ain't easy for us. My heart breaks to know that there is a possibility that we may be stuck here. I'm angry that I cannot do all the things I always wanted to do with my son because those things overwhelm him or he doesn't yet understand them. We have to be very careful about what things we do. We can't just drag our kid around to do everything with us the way others do because we have to think about what might set him off and make him uncomfortable.
I know this isn't what everyone wants to hear and it sounds as if I am complaining or maybe you just think I'm not a good parent. Think what you want. I'll do anything for Booga; and I mean anything. He is my whole world. He is different and I don't have the kind of memories that the average mom has because of that, but I have other memories that other parents would never get to have because of it and for that I am so proud! Booga is a part of me that makes me feel two ways simultaneously. I feel so proud and so broken all at the same time. Most parents feel this great amount of joy that is bittersweet at watching their children grow and while I feel that too, my other emotions run so much higher for some reason. My days are a constant fight of trying not to let the bad win. I just can't promise that I will ever understand why my child has to go through this because it isn't fair!
First, it isn't fair to him! He shouldn't have to go through this. He should have all the abilities that come along with being a child - making friends, learning boundaries, understanding and just living life in a comfortable way. Instead, he has to deal with being overwhelmed, not being able to regulate his emotions at all, his receptive language (understanding) is minimal at best, and he pushes the same boundaries over and over again and never learns the lesson. So for that he has to keep getting punished because we can't just let him get away with things and think they are ok either. It SUCKS!
Being an autism or special needs parent is a whole other world of emotions that aren't spoken of. Check on your special needs parents because WE ARE NOT OK!
We are lonely because everyone thinks we only see the bad in our children. Or, we are hurt because others just don't understand that we see the good, but the bad and the hard and the hurt are so overwhelming that it is hard to see the good sometimes.
The good is there. It comes in small waves between the battles every day. Those good moments are the only moments that get us through. I absolutely love it when he is napping and refuses to walk when I have to get him out of the car. He is way too big to carry now, but you bet your last breath I'm going to pick him up and carry him into the house. I love that he carries his stuffed Parker around everywhere he goes; it is absolutely adorable. I love it when he smiles because his smile will light up the whole room! His laugh is so contagious! Oh and let's not forget this mouth, you never know what is going to come out of that mouth - it is either going to get him in trouble or it is going to make you die laughing. He loves to be outside and he loves sweets like his mama and daddy. He has an interest in cars like his daddy and can even tell you the make of a lot of cars.
It's not that I don't love him, it's just that my heart breaks for him knowing that he could have an easier life. I don't know how to push past it and every time I think I am, I get hit with a brick load of anger for him all over again. I guess that is just the cycle of watching your baby go through something you absolutely cannot do anything about. I wish so much that I could take it and go through it for him. I would do anything to be able to do that for him.
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